Quick guide
A person who exploits, belittles and manipulates the people around them rarely does it alone. There is usually a circle: relatives who smooth things over, friends who carry messages, a partner who covers, colleagues who look away, and sometimes an institution that protects them. Popular writing calls this circle the enablers, and the recruited defenders the flying monkeys. Understanding why people enable is more useful than condemning them, because most enable out of fear, hope, loyalty, dependence or a family role they were given as children. One line has to be drawn clearly, and the old version of this article got it badly wrong: a person being abused is not an enabler for staying. Staying is often the safest option available at the time, and leaving is the most dangerous. This article describes the circle, the reasons, and how to step out of an enabling role, whether you are in the circle or at the centre of the harm.
A note on the word
Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis that only a clinician can make, and most people described online as narcissists do not have it. In everyday use the word means someone whose pattern is self-centredness, entitlement, lack of empathy and exploitation of others. This article uses it in that everyday sense. The behaviour is what matters; the label is not required to set a limit.
The circle: who enables, and why
| Role | What they do | Why they usually do it |
|---|---|---|
| The recruited defender (“flying monkey”) | Carries messages, argues the narcissist’s case, pressures the target to make peace | Has been told a convincing version of events; enjoys being trusted by someone powerful; fears being the next target |
| The peacekeeper | “Let’s not make a scene.” Smooths over incidents, asks the target to let it go | Learned in childhood that conflict was dangerous; keeps the family together at any price |
| The loyal partner or parent | Covers, apologises on their behalf, explains their behaviour to others | Love, hope that they will change, financial or practical dependence, and often a trauma bond |
| The fixer | Cleans up consequences: pays the debt, calls the boss, rewrites the story | Believes they are helping; cannot bear to watch the person fail |
| The audience | Laughs at the cruel jokes, admires the confidence, looks away at the cost | Charm works; the cost falls on someone else |
| The institution | A workplace, church or club that protects a high performer or a donor | Reputation, money, and the belief that the target is replaceable |
The line the old version crossed
An earlier article on this page said that a person who is hit and does not leave or report it has “made the batterer comfortable” and is enabling the abuse. That is false and dangerous. People stay in abusive relationships because of fear, children, money, immigration status, isolation, disability, love, and the well-documented fact that the weeks after leaving are when serious violence is most likely. A target managing their own safety is not an enabler; they are surviving. The people who enable an abuser are the ones with the freedom to act who choose not to. If you are the target, your only job is your safety. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, and their advocates help with safety planning whether or not you intend to leave.
How to stop enabling, if you are in the circle
- Stop carrying messages. “If you want to say that to her, say it yourself.” The defender role ends the moment you refuse to relay.
- Stop explaining them to others. “He’s under a lot of stress” is a sentence you do not need to say. Let their behaviour speak for itself.
- Stop fixing the consequences. Do not pay the fine, call the employer, or repair the friendship they broke. Consequences are the only feedback that reaches a person who does not take criticism.
- Believe the target. When someone says they are being mistreated by a charming person, the charm is the reason you doubt them. Doubt the charm instead.
- Refuse the peacekeeper role. “I’m not asking her to apologise for something she didn’t do.” Family peace built on one person’s silence is not peace.
- Expect to become a target. Enablers who stop are often turned on. Have support ready, and see Energy Vampires for the limits that hold.
- Keep the door open to the person being harmed, not to the person doing harm. A message a month saying “I’m here” can be the thing that lets them leave later.
If you are the one they take from
- Nothing you give will be enough, because the taking is the point. That is not a reason to give more.
- Document. Dates, words, screenshots. Not for a fight, but so your own memory is not the only record when they rewrite events.
- Build people outside the circle. Isolation is how the pattern maintains itself.
- Talk to someone trained. Therapists who work with coercive control and family dynamics see this constantly and can help you plan.
- Leaving, if you choose it, is done with a plan and with support, not in an argument. The hotline above helps with the plan.
Frequently asked questions
1. What is a narcissist’s enabler?
Anyone whose actions let a self-centred, exploitative person continue without consequences: defenders, peacekeepers, fixers, an admiring audience, or an institution that protects them.
2. What are flying monkeys?
A popular term, from The Wizard of Oz, for people the narcissist recruits to pressure, spy on or argue with the target. Most have been told a one-sided story and believe they are helping.
3. Is a person who stays in an abusive relationship an enabler?
No. Staying is often the safest option available, and leaving is the highest-risk period. The target is responsible for their safety, not for the abuser’s behaviour.
4. Why do people enable?
Fear of becoming a target, hope that the person will change, family roles learned in childhood, financial dependence, loyalty, and the effect of charm. Almost nobody enables out of malice.
5. How do I know if I am enabling?
If you find yourself explaining someone’s behaviour to others, carrying their messages, paying their consequences, or asking their target to keep the peace, you are in the circle. Stopping any one of those is a start.
6. What happens when an enabler stops?
Usually pressure, guilt, and sometimes being cast as the new villain. It is uncomfortable and it passes. Have support ready before you stop.
7. Can a narcissist change?
People with these patterns can change with sustained therapy and real consequences, and some do. Enabling removes the consequences that make change more likely.
8. Should I confront the narcissist?
Rarely useful and sometimes unsafe. Refusing your role (“I won’t relay that”) is more effective than arguing about their character.
9. What if the enablers are my whole family?
Then your support will have to come from outside the family, at least for now: friends, a therapist, a support group. Many people in this position keep limited contact with the family and full contact with the ones who eventually see it.
10. Where do I get help?
For any relationship that frightens or controls you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. For the family dynamics, a therapist who works with coercive control. In a crisis, 988.
Evidence note: this article uses “narcissist” in its everyday sense and makes no diagnosis. It replaces earlier text that blamed abused partners for their abuser’s behaviour; that framing is contradicted by what is known about why people stay and when they are most at risk. If you are being harmed, safety comes first and help is available at the numbers above.
The idea that enablers often have positive motives but inadvertently make the situation worse is a significant observation. It suggests that education and awareness are key in addressing these issues.
The comparison between a toxic relationship with a narcissist and setting oneself on fire to keep them warm is a powerful metaphor. It effectively conveys the destructive nature of such relationships.
The analogy of a relationship with a narcissist being like a one-sided relationship with an infant is an interesting perspective. It highlights the imbalance and lack of reciprocity in such interactions.
The concept of ‘flying monkeys’ in narcissistic relationships is quite intriguing. It sheds light on the dynamics of support systems that reinforce harmful behaviors.
The article raises an important point about the role of enablers in perpetuating narcissistic behavior. It’s crucial to understand how these dynamics contribute to the problem.